Hope & Faith

It has been way too long since I've blogged! Writing is a stress reliever for me...maybe I should take it up again! I think I am finally on the verge of having a story to write...I might be an author yet!

My mema passed away April 18th...she was 82 and lived a really good and long life! It's weird that she's gone...I'm 33, she's always been apart of my life! Now she's not here...My papa loved her! They were truly in love! I found so many little notes that he would write for her through the years before he left for work, she kept them...I'd be lucky to ever find someone similar...but he set the bar, I just hope the bar isn't too high for men of today!

I have made a massive amount of changes these last few months! I've really come into my own, I've realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me, I don't have to please the world! I took that Dale Carnegie class, I started therapy, therapy just for me, to work on me! To work on coping with stress and worry, realizing what I should and shouldn't worry about, building an awesome self esteem, just working on making myself better...will it matter in 5 years? That's the one thing she has told me to ask myself when worrying about something!  Most things won't! But there are a few things that will...time with my boys, in five years that will matter, spending quality time with them or not spending time with them could have different outcomes for us as a family in five years! Pushing people away, well if you push them away, who's to say what effect they could have had on your life...which brings up a question...are things meant to be? Does everything happen because its supposed to? Or do we have absolute control over how things will play out based off of our actions or lack there of?

Simple things...hayrides, weenie roasts, games with fiends and family, walks, fishing, picking strawberries in the spring, reading out loud to my boys, picnics, beach days, camping...that stuff will matter in 5 years...the text messages that I receive, that are void of any human facial expressions or body language, that I may or may not have taken in the way the person meant because it is up for interpretation...uhhhhh pointless!

With death, especially someone you were close with, you see things differently. You see how the stupid stress at work is pointless! Will it matter when I'm 82? No, it won't, I probably won't even remember the details! But the people that chose to stand beside me because I didn't push them away, because I spent time and built great memories, they'll remember that! That's what will matter when I'm 82!

I saw my therapist last week and I was talking about my mema...I got the distinct feeling that someone had moved right next to me, instinctively I turned my head to look...nothing was there...I suddenly was overcome with a very warm feeling, it only lasted a few seconds...I didn't mention it to my therapist...but I feel like I was given a hug, maybe by her, maybe it was God...idk...I just know that as hard as life is, we have to always have faith and never lose hope! We have to learn to trust and not live in fear no matter what our past holds...I tattooed hope and faith on my feet for a reason, so I wouldn't forget, so that any time my face was looking down at the ground, I'd remember hope and faith and hold my head high!

I have hope, I've never lost hope! I also have a tremendous amount of faith! I just need to remind myself of that more often and not get so caught up in daily life...the world is going to keep spinning with or without me! So my happiness and the happiness of those I love, that is what is important! Trusting is important! Not letting life fly by while I stress and worry, that's key! So it's time to slow down and savor every minute, every chance I get to be alive....I'm not going to let fear, fear of past incidents repeating change my future!

It's my life

And it's now or never 

I ain't gonna live forever 

I just want to live while I'm alive 

Christmas Pictures

Take 1...



Take 2...




Take 3...



There were actually more than 3 takes...but you get the picture!!!

How do Moms with no help do it?

I'm laying in bed watching Sex and the City 2. It's been a rather rough 24 hours that I would rather forget, due to a stomach virus, I'm finally starting to feel better so I put on a movie I've been meaning to watch.

Charlotte and Miranda sit down to have some cocktails and discuss how hard it is being a mom. They even admit truths that every mom thinks at one point or another but never admits. Charlotte starts talking about how her youngest always cries night and day and then this is said:

Charlotte: "How do the moms who have no help do it?"
Miranda: "I have no fucking idea."



Guess what, I have no idea how I'm doing it either! I really think people are very inconsiderate, especially people with no children! It's easy to make assumptions and form opinions about parenting when you have no children. Throw children into the picture and it's a whole new ball game. Even just 2 years ago I thought my perfect, respectful, most well behaved 10 year old would glide through puberty with no trouble. Then he turned 11 and the testosterone poured in from a never ending source. While he did eventually level out I'm still dealing with a bunch of attitude and defiance. What happens when your little boy grows up and at the age of 12 is bigger than his mom? Well I can tell you that no spanking in the world is going to help. And it really doesn't help that his dad tells him that he doesn't have to listen to me and tells him to just leave the house.

I struggle with what is right and what is wrong. I question everything I do as a parent, knowing that what I do now is shaping the person he will be as well as the parent he will one day be. I try to hold my standards high and make him work and do chores every day. Then there are those that want to say I'm too hard on him and tell me that he's just being a boy his age. Well what if I continue to let him just be a boy? He's already tried telling me what he is and isn't going to do at the age of 12. If I allow that then I will allow him to make the rules. And he is only going to get bigger and older and one day I will find that everything is out of control. I remember my mom telling me that she hoped I had one just like me. Well I didn't have a daughter...but to the people with no children who judge and try to tell me what I am doing wrong, I don't want to wish a horrible child on you, but God help you if you end up with one. I think it's safe to say that being a parent is by far the toughest job on the face of this earth.

I have certainly been a different parent with Cade than I was with Kai. I didn't make Kai do a single thing when he was little...and now I have a walking slob! I'm trying to correct that now, but I learned my lesson on that one! So I do make Cade pick up after himself. I raised Kai and learned what works and what doesn't work...or what are and aren't good ideas. So I get to do things differently with Cade...and if I ever have another then I think things will be even more different than they are now. We learn by doing and if you have never parented, while you think you may know a thing or two, you really have no clue!

If someone with a full time nanny can cry and talk about how tough parenting is...then me as a single mom is certainly allowed to cry...but you don't see me doing that! As hard as it is, you'll never see me crying in a corner!

My Dad gave me some advice right after Kai was born. He said everyone is going to have an opinion on how to raise your child. He told me to nod my head and smile and ignore it and do what I want to do. And that is what I have always done! I've mastered the art of nodding and smiling while putting a persons opinion, advice, and/or ignorance in the trash bin in my brain. Apparently people like you better when you have no opinions yourself and you just totally agree with theirs!

I have no fucking idea how I do it! I'm entering the adolescent territory and putting on a brave face and a strong show of force...but under it all I'm scared to death!

Kai's 6th grade band demo

Kai had a demonstration band concert. It was just the sixth grade and a kind of show and tell of what and how they are learning to play. So here are some very short video clips from the demonstration.

Now fortunately for me video 7 corrupted and doesn't work! Because Mr. Lopez the band director said okay now we are going to play hot cross buns. So the students picked up their instruments like they were going to play and then stopped and handed the parent sitting next to them (ie ME!) their instrument. I had my camera ready to record Kai when all of this happened and Kai said, hand me the camera, I'm going to record you now! So Mr. Lopez announced that the students had 5 minutes to teach their parent how to play the song. Well, I learned the notes, there were only three with that particular song, but I have NEVER played an instrument in my life...well there was the recorder in 5th grade...but I'm not so much a baritone kind of girl! I guess I did ok, but that video didn't record! something happened and it disappeared and not as a result of something I did!

After the concert I took Kai out to dinner at Red Robins. We haven't had an mommy and me time in a while...I don't think Kai would like me to say mommy and me time! But the last couple of weeks, since Cade's surgery, and his hospital stay because he was dehydrated, well it's been all Cade all day, every day! But Cade is finally better, definitely feeling the best he's felt in the last two weeks since his surgery. So I didn't feel so bad leaving him behind with his dad while I treated Kai to dinner and an ice cream sundae.

Call me Mud!

I posted on Facebook the other day that I was upset with myself because I had done something so stupid that I didn't want to own up to it. Of course someone asked me if I reconnected, so to speak, with my ex-husband. Thankfully no, that was not the case.

So let me back up to the beginning of the story. Thursday Cade had his appointment with the ENT in Wilmington. So I was in Wilmington for most of the afternoon/evening. Let me take a moment to add, when did the traffic in Wilmington get so bad? So after Cade's appointment I decided to stop at a store that sells gluten free food. I was there for a while perusing the selection of food they had. After leaving that store I went to Target to see if they had an orange sweater for my Velma costume. SCORE! They did! By the time I did all that and fought traffic, I realized that I was not going to be home by 6:30.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays Kai stays after school to practice with his instrument and then he goes to a friends house. Him and his friend go to soccer practice and I usually get him about 6:30.

So I called the friends mom to let her know that I was going to be late. I arrived at the friends house a little before 7:30. It just so happens that she is related to a person that I have known since I was about 17. He was best friends with my ex-husband. So I started talking to him and catching up since it has been a long time since I have seen him. I had left my car running because I hadn't planned on staying, but now that I was chatting I asked Kai to go turn my car off. Kai came back in the house with the keys. About 30 minutes later I decided it was time to head home, I walked outside to discover that the headlights to my car were left on. I said something to Kai about it, that he shouldn't leave headlights on. I explained to him that leaving the lights on could kill the battery. So I get in and crank the engine and my battery was dead! So I'm pretty sure Kai now knows that I was telling the truth and not just telling him a fib in order to keep him from doing something. Like when I tell him that his eyeballs are going to fall out of his head if he doesn't take his contacts out at night! lol
So I got a jump and went home. When I arrived home I decided that I better leave my car running for a little while to make sure the battery was good and charged. I didn't want to get up the next morning and have no transportation.
The next morning I got up early to do a workout. After my work out I got Kai up and told him to take the dogs out. I got into the shower. As I am showering Kai comes into the bathroom and says, "Hey Mom, did you know your car is still running?" I immediately freaked out! I said no, is it still running, Kai said YES! I yelled at him to get it turned off! All I could think is that it's got to be nearly out of gas. I mean it ran from about 8 pm until about 6 am the next morning. So after I got out of the shower I had Kai go see how much gas was left. I had just filled up my tank in Wilmington the day before. Thankfully it had only blown through about half a tank. That still upset me though, I was so mad that I forgot the car was running and now a bunch of gas that isn't exactly cheap had been wasted.

Who forgets that their car is running and doesn't realize it until their son tells them the next morning???? Apparently ME! And I would totally think that someone was stupid if they forgot and left their car running all night. Just call me Mud!

I don't think anyone else is going to say, oh that happened to me once...Cause this kind of thing can't possibly happen all the time!