Hope & Faith

It has been way too long since I've blogged! Writing is a stress reliever for me...maybe I should take it up again! I think I am finally on the verge of having a story to write...I might be an author yet!

My mema passed away April 18th...she was 82 and lived a really good and long life! It's weird that she's gone...I'm 33, she's always been apart of my life! Now she's not here...My papa loved her! They were truly in love! I found so many little notes that he would write for her through the years before he left for work, she kept them...I'd be lucky to ever find someone similar...but he set the bar, I just hope the bar isn't too high for men of today!

I have made a massive amount of changes these last few months! I've really come into my own, I've realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me, I don't have to please the world! I took that Dale Carnegie class, I started therapy, therapy just for me, to work on me! To work on coping with stress and worry, realizing what I should and shouldn't worry about, building an awesome self esteem, just working on making myself better...will it matter in 5 years? That's the one thing she has told me to ask myself when worrying about something!  Most things won't! But there are a few things that will...time with my boys, in five years that will matter, spending quality time with them or not spending time with them could have different outcomes for us as a family in five years! Pushing people away, well if you push them away, who's to say what effect they could have had on your life...which brings up a question...are things meant to be? Does everything happen because its supposed to? Or do we have absolute control over how things will play out based off of our actions or lack there of?

Simple things...hayrides, weenie roasts, games with fiends and family, walks, fishing, picking strawberries in the spring, reading out loud to my boys, picnics, beach days, camping...that stuff will matter in 5 years...the text messages that I receive, that are void of any human facial expressions or body language, that I may or may not have taken in the way the person meant because it is up for interpretation...uhhhhh pointless!

With death, especially someone you were close with, you see things differently. You see how the stupid stress at work is pointless! Will it matter when I'm 82? No, it won't, I probably won't even remember the details! But the people that chose to stand beside me because I didn't push them away, because I spent time and built great memories, they'll remember that! That's what will matter when I'm 82!

I saw my therapist last week and I was talking about my mema...I got the distinct feeling that someone had moved right next to me, instinctively I turned my head to look...nothing was there...I suddenly was overcome with a very warm feeling, it only lasted a few seconds...I didn't mention it to my therapist...but I feel like I was given a hug, maybe by her, maybe it was God...idk...I just know that as hard as life is, we have to always have faith and never lose hope! We have to learn to trust and not live in fear no matter what our past holds...I tattooed hope and faith on my feet for a reason, so I wouldn't forget, so that any time my face was looking down at the ground, I'd remember hope and faith and hold my head high!

I have hope, I've never lost hope! I also have a tremendous amount of faith! I just need to remind myself of that more often and not get so caught up in daily life...the world is going to keep spinning with or without me! So my happiness and the happiness of those I love, that is what is important! Trusting is important! Not letting life fly by while I stress and worry, that's key! So it's time to slow down and savor every minute, every chance I get to be alive....I'm not going to let fear, fear of past incidents repeating change my future!

It's my life

And it's now or never 

I ain't gonna live forever 

I just want to live while I'm alive 

Christmas Pictures

Take 1...



Take 2...




Take 3...



There were actually more than 3 takes...but you get the picture!!!

How do Moms with no help do it?

I'm laying in bed watching Sex and the City 2. It's been a rather rough 24 hours that I would rather forget, due to a stomach virus, I'm finally starting to feel better so I put on a movie I've been meaning to watch.

Charlotte and Miranda sit down to have some cocktails and discuss how hard it is being a mom. They even admit truths that every mom thinks at one point or another but never admits. Charlotte starts talking about how her youngest always cries night and day and then this is said:

Charlotte: "How do the moms who have no help do it?"
Miranda: "I have no fucking idea."



Guess what, I have no idea how I'm doing it either! I really think people are very inconsiderate, especially people with no children! It's easy to make assumptions and form opinions about parenting when you have no children. Throw children into the picture and it's a whole new ball game. Even just 2 years ago I thought my perfect, respectful, most well behaved 10 year old would glide through puberty with no trouble. Then he turned 11 and the testosterone poured in from a never ending source. While he did eventually level out I'm still dealing with a bunch of attitude and defiance. What happens when your little boy grows up and at the age of 12 is bigger than his mom? Well I can tell you that no spanking in the world is going to help. And it really doesn't help that his dad tells him that he doesn't have to listen to me and tells him to just leave the house.

I struggle with what is right and what is wrong. I question everything I do as a parent, knowing that what I do now is shaping the person he will be as well as the parent he will one day be. I try to hold my standards high and make him work and do chores every day. Then there are those that want to say I'm too hard on him and tell me that he's just being a boy his age. Well what if I continue to let him just be a boy? He's already tried telling me what he is and isn't going to do at the age of 12. If I allow that then I will allow him to make the rules. And he is only going to get bigger and older and one day I will find that everything is out of control. I remember my mom telling me that she hoped I had one just like me. Well I didn't have a daughter...but to the people with no children who judge and try to tell me what I am doing wrong, I don't want to wish a horrible child on you, but God help you if you end up with one. I think it's safe to say that being a parent is by far the toughest job on the face of this earth.

I have certainly been a different parent with Cade than I was with Kai. I didn't make Kai do a single thing when he was little...and now I have a walking slob! I'm trying to correct that now, but I learned my lesson on that one! So I do make Cade pick up after himself. I raised Kai and learned what works and what doesn't work...or what are and aren't good ideas. So I get to do things differently with Cade...and if I ever have another then I think things will be even more different than they are now. We learn by doing and if you have never parented, while you think you may know a thing or two, you really have no clue!

If someone with a full time nanny can cry and talk about how tough parenting is...then me as a single mom is certainly allowed to cry...but you don't see me doing that! As hard as it is, you'll never see me crying in a corner!

My Dad gave me some advice right after Kai was born. He said everyone is going to have an opinion on how to raise your child. He told me to nod my head and smile and ignore it and do what I want to do. And that is what I have always done! I've mastered the art of nodding and smiling while putting a persons opinion, advice, and/or ignorance in the trash bin in my brain. Apparently people like you better when you have no opinions yourself and you just totally agree with theirs!

I have no fucking idea how I do it! I'm entering the adolescent territory and putting on a brave face and a strong show of force...but under it all I'm scared to death!

Kai's 6th grade band demo

Kai had a demonstration band concert. It was just the sixth grade and a kind of show and tell of what and how they are learning to play. So here are some very short video clips from the demonstration.

Now fortunately for me video 7 corrupted and doesn't work! Because Mr. Lopez the band director said okay now we are going to play hot cross buns. So the students picked up their instruments like they were going to play and then stopped and handed the parent sitting next to them (ie ME!) their instrument. I had my camera ready to record Kai when all of this happened and Kai said, hand me the camera, I'm going to record you now! So Mr. Lopez announced that the students had 5 minutes to teach their parent how to play the song. Well, I learned the notes, there were only three with that particular song, but I have NEVER played an instrument in my life...well there was the recorder in 5th grade...but I'm not so much a baritone kind of girl! I guess I did ok, but that video didn't record! something happened and it disappeared and not as a result of something I did!

After the concert I took Kai out to dinner at Red Robins. We haven't had an mommy and me time in a while...I don't think Kai would like me to say mommy and me time! But the last couple of weeks, since Cade's surgery, and his hospital stay because he was dehydrated, well it's been all Cade all day, every day! But Cade is finally better, definitely feeling the best he's felt in the last two weeks since his surgery. So I didn't feel so bad leaving him behind with his dad while I treated Kai to dinner and an ice cream sundae.

Call me Mud!

I posted on Facebook the other day that I was upset with myself because I had done something so stupid that I didn't want to own up to it. Of course someone asked me if I reconnected, so to speak, with my ex-husband. Thankfully no, that was not the case.

So let me back up to the beginning of the story. Thursday Cade had his appointment with the ENT in Wilmington. So I was in Wilmington for most of the afternoon/evening. Let me take a moment to add, when did the traffic in Wilmington get so bad? So after Cade's appointment I decided to stop at a store that sells gluten free food. I was there for a while perusing the selection of food they had. After leaving that store I went to Target to see if they had an orange sweater for my Velma costume. SCORE! They did! By the time I did all that and fought traffic, I realized that I was not going to be home by 6:30.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays Kai stays after school to practice with his instrument and then he goes to a friends house. Him and his friend go to soccer practice and I usually get him about 6:30.

So I called the friends mom to let her know that I was going to be late. I arrived at the friends house a little before 7:30. It just so happens that she is related to a person that I have known since I was about 17. He was best friends with my ex-husband. So I started talking to him and catching up since it has been a long time since I have seen him. I had left my car running because I hadn't planned on staying, but now that I was chatting I asked Kai to go turn my car off. Kai came back in the house with the keys. About 30 minutes later I decided it was time to head home, I walked outside to discover that the headlights to my car were left on. I said something to Kai about it, that he shouldn't leave headlights on. I explained to him that leaving the lights on could kill the battery. So I get in and crank the engine and my battery was dead! So I'm pretty sure Kai now knows that I was telling the truth and not just telling him a fib in order to keep him from doing something. Like when I tell him that his eyeballs are going to fall out of his head if he doesn't take his contacts out at night! lol
So I got a jump and went home. When I arrived home I decided that I better leave my car running for a little while to make sure the battery was good and charged. I didn't want to get up the next morning and have no transportation.
The next morning I got up early to do a workout. After my work out I got Kai up and told him to take the dogs out. I got into the shower. As I am showering Kai comes into the bathroom and says, "Hey Mom, did you know your car is still running?" I immediately freaked out! I said no, is it still running, Kai said YES! I yelled at him to get it turned off! All I could think is that it's got to be nearly out of gas. I mean it ran from about 8 pm until about 6 am the next morning. So after I got out of the shower I had Kai go see how much gas was left. I had just filled up my tank in Wilmington the day before. Thankfully it had only blown through about half a tank. That still upset me though, I was so mad that I forgot the car was running and now a bunch of gas that isn't exactly cheap had been wasted.

Who forgets that their car is running and doesn't realize it until their son tells them the next morning???? Apparently ME! And I would totally think that someone was stupid if they forgot and left their car running all night. Just call me Mud!

I don't think anyone else is going to say, oh that happened to me once...Cause this kind of thing can't possibly happen all the time!

Middle School Eve...

Kai starts Middle School tomorrow...and I have been so emotional about it...I became sick to my stomach when I looked at the school supply list...I held tears in all night long, until I got in the shower, lol, I felt silly to be crying about it...

Kai is my first of course. I remember I couldn't wait for him to roll over...and then I couldn't wait for him to crawl and then to walk..and I couldn't wait for him to start talking...I surely couldn't wait for him to be potty trained...and then to start sports...I could hardly wait for all of it!

Fast forward 12 years and 9 miscarriages and then Cade...

Here I am staring at a boy who is already taller than me, who is on the verge of becoming a man...I feel like I rushed him through life...I don't know that I taught him everything I was supposed to...I don't know if he has fond memories from when he was little...

And middle school, I don't know, it seems like the end of innocence...I remember going into sixth grade and reading on the bathroom walls where girls had called other girls not so nice names...like whore and hoe and any other name you could imagine...And for the life of me I had no idea what a whore or a hoe was...until I asked and was informed of their meaning...I said my first cuss word in sixth grade...Oh geez I had my first kiss in 7th grade...technically Kai should be going into the 7th grade...And nowadays kids know a lot more than they used to at younger ages...So it's the end of innocence...

And through these 12 years and 9 miscarriages I've learned a thing or two...like not rushing Cade to do anything...partly because I learned from Kai that once they are mobile and especially walking, they get into EVERYTHING...but mostly because I wanted to savor every second of Cade just being young...

I feel like I have this semi-man and then I have this little 2 year old...and I'm wishing my semi-man could age backwards back to two...I want to turn back time to savor the moments with Kai, but at the same time I don't want to because then I wouldn't have Cade...I just want them both little...I remember Kai clinging to me when he was little and I couldn't tell you the last time he sat in my lap, obviously it's been a while! But I don't think I knew the last time would be the last time...

And yeah it means I'm getting old and time is the one absolute thing you can never get back...Here I am almost 31 years old and I'm not having a midlife crisis, just analyzing everything way too intently!

A sociopath is someone who has no emotions what so ever, they fake emotions usually in order to fit in...I am the extreme opposite of a sociopath, I feel EVERYTHING, I have sympathy, empathy, compassion, guilt and even shame to the extreme...When I get like this, sometimes I wish I could not feel, kind of like a sociopath...

Maybe I'm emotional because Toy Story 3 made me cry! Andy grew up and went to college...Kai is growing up and going into Middle School...

5 Pounds!

Well it's about time I got back to the true reason for this blog! My adventures as a single mom! And what better way to do that then the story I am about to tell!

I am sick today. I'm not sure with what, but I will tell you I have a fever and a headache and I feel horrible! So I was laying on the couch watching a movie. I had asked Kai to keep Cade occupied so that I might have a bit of peace since I felt so horrible. Kai and Cade were in Kai's room along with their cousin Noah watching tv. Or so I thought!

Kai comes walking into the kitchen and says mom is that baby powder all over the floor. I look over at him and I said I don't know, I can't see. He was standing there with this odd look on his face, expecting me to jump up and react. I was not in a hurry to drag myself away from the couch. Slowly but surely I did. As I was walking from the big couch to the kitchen I notice that my love seat and ottoman combo were dusted in a white powder. Dusted in a way that would look as if a small person such as Cade had climbed on the couch and was covered in something that was obviously left behind. So as I turn the corner and walk into the kitchen I took in a deep breath, a gasp if you will, at the site before my eyes.

There was a white powder spread all over the right side of my kitchen, in front of the island and along one side in front of the refrigerator. Not just spread, but thick clumps of it. I could not figure out what on earth Cade managed to get a hold of. Then I realized it was flour. Now what is most perplexing is how he got it out of the Tupperware container it was in. I had left the flour in the bag and just slipped the bag into a Tupperware brand canister specifically meant for flour. Tupperware is known for it's tight seal and it does take a bit of force to get that lid off. But some how Cade managed to removed the lid and dump 5 pounds of flour over a large area.

So I'm standing there, with a headache, pretty mad at the two year old who has now caused me to drag my butt off the couch, realizing I was going to have to clean that mess up! Kai said, "what did you do that for Cade?" and I tell Kai, "because he is two and wasn't being supervised!" I later realized that Kai had turned on the Xbox instead of watching a movie and so Cade grew bored and wondered into the kitchen and ultimately into the pantry on an apparent exploration.

So Kai grabbed the broom and I grabbed the dust pan and a hand held broom. Kai swept it into a large pile and used the dust pan to shovel it into the trash can. My floor now has to be mopped, but that can wait because now my headache is worse! I must add that the cat is covered in flour as well, I can only imagine that Cade some how is responsible for that...and there are white foot prints around the kitchen floor from the cat...sigh

And that is why a two year should never be left unattended! Of course I was in the next room and didn't hear a thing...he was very quiet! But when mommy is sick I guess it happens!

UPDATE: I found out today (08/09/10) that I had/have mono, no wonder I didn't feel good!

SHARK WEEK!!!

I'm sure people have figured out I have a thing for sharks. Especially Great Whites. And it's SHARK WEEK!!!! So in honor of SHARK WEEK here are some interesting facts:

SHARK WEEK first aired on July 27, 1987

A Great White Shark was once kept in an aquarium for a few days, but it became disoriented, continually hitting its nose against the glass, so it had to be released into the sea.

Great White Sharks breed late in life. They do not start breeding until they’re at least twenty years old.

More than 70 percent of known victims of Great White Shark Attacks survive because the shark realizes it has made a mistake and doesn’t finish off the prey.

Great White Shark meat is not recommended for human consumption because it has very high mercury levels.

No one has ever witnessed Great White Sharks mate.

A Long Way Still To Go...

Someone said something to me today...She said I've come a long way...

Cade as everyone knows was a preemie. As a preemie, he was offered certain programs. One in particular was a Child Service Coordinator. She is a social worker that basically does an evaluation on him every other month until the age of 3. If she feels that there is an area of development which requires therapy, she will coordinate services. Cade is supposed to be evaluated for speech therapy, that's the only thing that has been a concern so far. And really it's not that big of a concern, but when I hear other kids his age speaking in full sentences and Cade isn't really there, well I just want to be sure. So we have seen our CSC every other month for over 2 years now. I'm kind of sad actually now that I think about it, in October Cade will be 3, which means he will graduate from the program.

Anyway, our CSC has basically been with me from the start of my separation. And we have talked every month and seen each other every other month for a long time. Did I mention I am officially divorced as of July 14, 2010? I am! So shes been there...start to finish...she saw it unfold.

Our CSC called me at work today, just to check up on Cade...and that's when she told me that I've come a long way. And she would know I suppose, she has been someone on the outside looking in, watching for the last two and a half years. I stayed for as long as I did because I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. And look, I'm some how managing to make it.

I've come a long way...it really doesn't seem like it though...I really feel like one big mess. I've still got a long way to go! I'm basically just a small town girl...Some will win...Some will lose...Some were born to sing the blues...

Here's hoping I win!

Fairy Tails not Fairy Tales

My all time favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast. I am not sure why, maybe it's because Belle loves to read and so do I. Well I can't think of any other reasons, but either way it's always been my favorite. I used to watch it every Thanksgiving, well the Thanksgivings that we spent at my grandparents in Destin. Beauty and the Beast is like every other fairy tail, there's a damsel in distress, and a prince comes to the rescue, and then they live happily ever after...

So I guess I had this really naive notion that I would grow up happily ever after...Well that notion came to a screeching halt when I was about 20.

Little Red Riding Hood was originally created to scare children. It of course has changed through the years to be not so scary to children. I believe Hansel a Gretel was intended to scare kids as well.

I can't help but think that maybe we shouldn't tell these stories of living happily ever after to our children. I mean children are so pure and innocent and they deserve to be pure and innocent for as long as they can. But on the flip side of that, maybe it would be better to scare them with tales of reality, because then real life in the adult world probably wouldn't be such a shock. Or at least they wouldn't grow up with such naive ideas of the world.

The Forehead Kiss

I picked Cade up this morning...he was standing in the kitchen and reached his arms up and said hug...he does that all the time, he is the most loving and cuddly kid I have ever met...So I picked him up and he said, "I got you"...and I said, "I got you"...

Last night he kissed me on my forehead and both my cheeks...Kissing someone on their forehead in my opinion is the best kiss to get. A kiss on the forehead is a sign of love and care...Where do mothers kiss their babies? Their forehead! Where have I mostly kissed Cade? His forehead! So to have a forehead kiss from Cade, well it made me feel good!

And that sums up what my life is all about...my two kids...because no one else really matters!

The Inner Struggle Between Being Coffee and an Egg

Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?


You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

~ Author Unknown ~


I'm trying really hard to be the damn coffee! But I think there may be a lot more of the egg in me than I would like! As I have gone through life, I have learned a lot about myself...mainly that I am too nice and do too much for people! And I have learned a lot about other people...mainly that they have never put as much thought or effort into me and are usually no where near as nice. So do I continue to be myself, do I continue to put my whole heart and self into everything I do for people? Or do I basically just do the bare minimum?

I feel like so much of myself and my personality has changed. So I have this inner struggle of being myself or hardening like that egg shell...I think being myself, being nice and thinking about others as I always have is the way to be...but I don't know if it's the realistic way to be! I find that people will take advantage and there are a few who have definitely taken advantage...So maybe the egg isn't so bad in the long run...because if I'm an egg, then at least I won't get my feelings hurt!

Sleeping Just Right

I don't know what it is about watching my children sleep that is so comforting and interesting that it manages always to capture my attention. But it does! Even watching Kai sleep at the age of 12 never gets old.

I've noticed something about the difference in the way my two boys sleep. Kai from as early on as I can remember, after he started sleeping with blankets of course, has always covered himself at night. He will have the blankets totally covering himself head to toe, with the end of the blanket over and under his head. I can't tell you how many times I uncovered him because I was afraid he was too hot or because I was worried he would suffocate himself. And to this day he sleeps exactly the same way. Sometimes it's hard to tell there is someone sleeping in his bed, even as big as he is, because it almost looks like a heap of blankets.

Cade on the other hand usually likes sleeping on top of the covers. He might start out under them, but he always ends up on top. And all of my efforts to recover him are pointless because he never stays that way. I'm always afraid he will get cold and I just want him to be warm and snuggled, so I always recover him. I'm not sure how he doesn't get cold in the middle of the night, I know I do if I ever end up uncovered.

Funny how one seems to roast and the other to freeze! Well at least that's how it would be for me. I can't sleep with my head covered because not only do I get too hot, but I also feel like I can't breathe. And I can't sleep without a blanket or sheet of some kind because I'll end up waking up because I was cold. And yet my two boys seem to be on the polar opposite of each other. Although obviously just right as far as they are concerned since they sleep quite peacefully in their different ways.

And I thought I was tough...

I have to write about this! Toy Story 3...I went to the theater with Cade, Kai felt that he was too old to go see the move, expecting a funny Disney movie. Now Disney movies are known to be sad because it seems like the movies always start with some kind of death of a parent. But not Toy Story, it's funny! And the movie was funny! But man, they made the ending of that movie like I can't even explain. Well lets put it this way, no movie has EVER made me cry like I was crying. I'm not talking about a tear or two escaping the corner of my eye...I was ugly crying, minus the sounds...I was so embarrassed that I was crying like that, that it took everything I had to keep in the sounds I probably would have been making if I were alone in my house!

At first I thought that maybe it was a girl thing. But I was with three other girls and not one of them was crying and one was pregnant! Then I thought it was a mom thing. I mean the movie is about Andy going off to college. Change, things coming to an end, saying goodbye. That's enough to make any mom cry. But after the movie was over and I left, I called a friend of mine to tell her how the movie was because she wanted to know. Turns out that her 15 year old daughter Ashley and Ashley's friend saw the movie and cried as well. So it can't just be a mom thing. But I think those two 15 year old girls and myself have something in common....

First of all Kai is 12. When the first one came out Kai wasn't even born yet and I hadn't ever seen the movie. But when you have kids you are suddenly into movies like Toy Story. And Kai loved that movie when he was little! We watched it many times! And we watched the second one as well. So for Kai to be too old for Toy Story 3 and for the movie itself to be about Andy going off to college, well it hits close to home for me! On top of that, over the last year or so, I've gotten rid of almost all of Kai's toys because he doesn't play with toys anymore. So that hit even closer to home for me. While Kai isn't running off to college next week, well lets just say I'll blink about one more time and he will be.

Those 15 year old girls were probably emotional about it because it's not too long before they too will be leaving...and it wasn't so long ago that they too packed up their own toys and sent them away. So I think it hit home for them as well.

God knows I've been through more than my fair share of change this last year, well two years really. So you'd think I would have been able to handle myself without crying, especially considering how cynical I think I've become...but no! I was sobbing! There were a couple of times where I was crying so hard and I was thinking of how funny it was that I was crying that hard at Toy Story of all movies! I literally had to hold back not only my sobbing sounds, but my need to bust out laughing at myself over the whole situation. Because if I had just let loose and busted out laughing while crying that hard, I probably would have not only looked crazy, but it wouldn't have sounded like laughter, it probably would have sounded like a monster escaped Buzz's home planet.

I have never in my life cried and wanted to laugh like that all at once! I guess it's good that I can at least laugh at myself! I was totally not expecting that! But it made me feel better when Kristina, one of the girls I work with, told me that her mom cried her eyes out during the movie too! So it must be a mom thing, especially moms who have gone through or going through the process of saying goodbye!

There was a scene in the movie where the little green army men are leaving and Woody is asking them where they are going. They said they were leaving because the little green army men are always the first thing thrown away...Oh my gosh that is so true! I can't even tell you how many of those things I threw away when I was sorting through and getting rid of Kai's toys. But I will tell you this much, many of Kai's toys have found a new home With Cade! Including a gigantic collection of Rescue Heroes!

Oh what a movie!

The future....

I am so lost...I am the Lost Great White Single Mom...What am I going to do with my life? I'm thirty and single (by choice) and so confused...a co-worker pointed out that I seemed overwhelmed with the fact that I have no one to tell me what to do. In the past my future always involved another person and having that person tell me what to do. There has always been someone telling me what to do my entire life! Even now that I am single there is still a person here or there that tries to tell me what to do. I'm done being told what to do. I've got to figure out what makes me happy...So what makes me happy? I've essentially been separated/single for over two years now, able to make any decision I want to make. And I have no clue, even after two years, what makes me happy!

Of course my kids make me happy, they are both a couple of the funniest boys I know. There is never a dull moment with them! But I think I've always had a vision of where my life was headed. When I was married, it was me and Robby, and we were going to be here in Jacksonville our whole lives and we'd raise Kai and Cade and be here. Well now we aren't together and really I have the entire world at my fingertips, technically I could go anywhere in the world I wanted to go...but no vision of where my life is headed and I always have had a vision...

I don't know, I think maybe my life has gone through an enormous amount of change in a very short period of time. In the last two years I've had a baby, separated, let my son live with his dad (which was very hard), had him move back in with me, cut unhealthy family out of my life, not to mention a new job. A lot has happened, a lot of major things have went on. Most people don't deal with that much change in such a short amount of time...although two years seems like a lot of time...

And that's part of why I won't date...I've dated, it was bad. I think in part because I still don't know what makes me happy. I should be happy and comfortable with myself so that when I am confronted with an ass I can happily walk away with no convictions! And I've definitely gotten comfortable by myself! I just need to fill my time with more things that make me happy and I still haven't figured a lot of what that is.

but I have at least learned that...

I get ancy at movie theaters and find it hard to sit through a movie when I'm on a date with someone I don't know...although I will take my kids to see a movie and find that I most relaxed when I'm watching a movie with them at the theater.

SpongeBob SquarePants is funny!

I don't like to talk about other people and don't like when people talk about another person around me (those that knew me before probably wouldn't believe that)

Camping without an air mattress is just stupid!

Cable is a waste of money...All you need is an internet connection and a computer you can hook up to your tv.

Mowing the lawn IS fun!

And...

Kai loves me and he might gripe about chores and rules...but he likes having a routine, chores, and rules...he likes knowing that everyday I'm coming home at the same time and everyday I'm cooking dinner and every morning I'm waking him up...He likes that I am consistent!

Babe Ruth in the Making!

Early on Cade has had an exceptional liking to balls of all kinds! Kick balls, baseballs, soccer balls, softballs, golf balls, plastic balls, any ball! If it's round he is on it, like white on rice! I think he has a ball-dar! If there is a ball anywhere in his vicinity, I don't care if it's in the woods with a pile of leaves on top of it, he some how finds it! He's been that way since he could crawl! I think he has a little bit of ball DNA in him!

Back in Mayish I started playing softball. There have been times that I have had to bring him with me to the games. Well he saw that softball and fell in love with the sport! He began walking around with my glove, holding it with both hands, hoping that someone would throw him a ball! Then he started grabbing for the bats while we waited for the game before us to end. It just so happens that the Easter Bunny brought him a little green vinyl glove with velcro in it and a soft green baseball. The velcro is so that the ball stays in his glove when he catches it...in case you were wondering. When he began taking an interest in my glove, I showed him that he had one as well. Just a few weeks ago I searched Jacksonville for a plastic bat. I found an orange one on clearance for 2.50, the kind that come with wiffle balls. It was hard to find because summers about over and I think they had those out in the spring. He has a perfect little batters stance! He even hit the ball one time, hasn't since, but one day he will get lucky again!

He is so funny, when he sees someone hitting the ball, especially an adult who really knocks it, he says "oooooooooooo" or "whoa" or "oh yeah" or "oh man" or something! He is so funny! I almost couldn't bat at practice tonight because he was cracking me up so bad! Every time I hit the ball he had some kind of reaction!

Anyone want to guess what his favorite movie is? The Sandlot! I hadn't ever put it on for him because while it's a kids movie about kids, I figured he was too young for it. It's not a cartoon. I don't have many movies, Robby took most of them, he left some kids movies, a lot of them, but there are only a select few he will sit and watch. And those few he was getting bored with. So one night I saw it and went ahead and got it out for him. He was glued! He loved it! There was a chance that maybe because it was a new movie he hadn't seen that it kept his interest. I ruled that out when I put on the Sandlot 2 a few nights later! He wasn't interested in that movie, it doesn't have as much of the baseball playing in it as the first one does. In fact almost the entire movie has those kids playing baseball in it. So he really just loves the movie!

I felt so bad for him tonight. While I was at practice he of course had his little ball and glove and was wanting the other kids to throw the ball to him. I always bring his glove and his bat when we go out to the field so that he will leave the adult bats alone. Because some times he grabs other peoples bats, people I don't know, people who have either just finished playing and are just watching the next game, or people who are waiting to play. Well the poor kid is left handed! He is so left handed it's not funny! There is no doubt about it that he is a lefty! Well when the Easter Bunny bought the glove it never occurred to him that he would be left handed. And honestly I don't think they had a left handed glove in that style. The only choice you had to make was if it was for a boy or a girl based off the color of the glove. I don't recall seeing left and right handed gloves, I mean it was wal-mart! So he runs around with this right handed glove on his right hand and has the hardest time catching the ball. He probably could if he had the right glove for him!

I had my softball bag in the kitchen, I had a late game the other night, so when I got home I dropped it by the laundry room and forgot about it. The next day I was cleaning up around the house, I kept hearing banging coming from the kitchen, I finally went to see what it was. Cade had one of my cleats on, my catchers mask was around his neck, and he was holding my glove with both hands...walking around! It was so funny! I wish I had my camera! But I was trying to keep the clay off the kitchen floor I had just vacuumed!

And of course he bats right handed! He mimics, that's how he is so smart, he watches and then does it! Well I haven't been able to get him to change his stance to the other side, that's the way I bat, so he figures he should too!

No dogs, cats, or humans were harmed during the incident...

This would have me doing the hibby jibby dance...no the hibby jibby jig! My brother is an animal control officer, he cracks me up! This is the second time he's made the news! I will include both stories, although the very first time happened in 2006! My brothers name is David Williams by the way!

Here is the link to the news story showing the video, my brother is the one in the swimming trunks...
http://www.kswt.com/global/video/popup/pop_playerLaunch.asp?clipId1=3934091&at1=News&vt1=v&h1=Ten%2DFoot+Stray+Snake+Startles+Yuma+Family&d1=128100&redirUrl=www.kswt.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&clipFormat=flv

Here is the newspaper story...
http://www.yumasun.com/news/snake-51316-hsoy-constrictor.html

Here is his other moment of fame...lol
http://www.yumasun.com/news/williams-22273-princess-park.html

I'm so proud of my brother the animal control officer!

Fireworks...

We went to Surf City to watch the fireworks on Friday night. Patti is the one who told me about it, so she went, as did my nephew Noah. This was Cade's first real Fourth of July, so it was important to me that he got to see fireworks! But Saturday I knew we were going to be at the beach all day, plus having a cookout with friends. And no one else wanted to brave Onslow Pines to see their fireworks because leaving after the show is a nightmare! Onslow Pines is located on a two lane road, so getting out takes forever!

I didn't realize how busy Surf City was going to be, it took forever to get on the island. But we managed to find a good parking spot and ventured out towards the festivities. Just over the bridge there is a park right by the water on the sound side. There is a playground and a board walk that wraps around a portion of the sound. It is really beautiful! They had the board walk decorated in red, white, and blue, so it was really festive! They have a stage out there as well and a band was playing music. We walked the board walk as we waited for the fireworks to start. There is a little dock that come off the board walk that was empty. I saw that as the perfect spot to sit and watch the fireworks!

We took our flip flops off and dangled our feet in the water. I should have brought the bug spray with me though! The mosquitoes were horrible! They were even biting my back through my shirt! Cade became a little squirmy as we waited for the show to start. There was no railing or anything to keep him on the dock, so he kept trying to lower himself into the water! That was great! I just knew before the night was over he was going to end up in the water! But I managed to some how keep him dry! Much to his dismay I might add!
Here is a picture from the dock we were sitting at. Just across from us and to the right is where the playground and stage are located.



So The show finally started...and here are some pictures of that!

My first show...whether I wanted it to be or not!

We ventured out to the beach today, like so many other people did! I went to the beach Tuesday and Thursday and there were not nearly as many people out those two days like there were today! The other two days I went, I wore my apron back tankini, it has an open back. Today however, I chose to wear my black and white tankini which has no straps, it's more of a tube top! I wanted to let the strap lines I had from my other bathing suit get some sun.

Cade is scared of the ocean, I think it could be the waves he's scared of, although I'm not 100% sure. It's funny he is scared of the ocean because he isn't scared of the pool or the bath tub. He will climb into a bath tub by himself, turn on the water and plug the tub! He also has no problems climbing into a pool, whether an adult is with him or not! I will say it does make going to the beach with him easy since he stays away from the water! The waves weren't very big today, it was definitely calm compared to yesterday. Since it was so calm, I decided to take Cade into the water, past where the waves were breaking. The beach we went to today had tons of shells in the water, right where the waves were breaking. It hurt trying to get past that part because there were so many, I guess my feet are tender. When a wave broke it would send shells crashing against my feet and shins and that didn't feel really good either. But once we made it past the breaking waves it was calm with just tiny waves coming in from the ocean. We were waist deep, although when a wave came in it would rise to about chest level. Cade was a little whiny, not liking the waves that came in, but the purpose of going out there was to help him over come his fear! We stayed out for a little while and then I ventured back to the shore with him.

I spent the next couple of hours tanning in my chair and watching Cade! While he doesn't venture towards the water, he will venture towards people, especially if they have food! He'll walk up and look at them and it never fails, they always give him whatever it is they are eating! I think he must have an, "I'm really cute, can I please have what you are eating," face that he puts on or something! I do try to keep him away from people! But he is a very busy little boy out there! And usually the people he walks up to are people he's already been walking up to because he is so curious and they go on and on about how cute he is! He really is a big hit at the beach! The other day this guy was throwing trash away and Cade was watching him as he did it. As the guy threw the trash into the bag Cade started clapping, which is what we do at home! The guy thought it was so funny! It was just a little later when he was eating and Cade walked over to investigate! He walked away with a Capri Sun! I probably don't have to worry about lugging a cooler out there any more! He could just pan handle off the beach goers! Actually they think he is so cute they just want to feed him!

Just before we were going to leave I decided to take Cade into the water again. Going out before did nothing to help his fear! He wouldn't even stand on the shore where the waves came in after they broke! This time I waited till really small waves came in to break, I had learned my lesson before with the shells! I started in and made it past the breaking waves. Just in front of me my two nephews, Caleb and Patric, were out on their boogie boards. As I headed to them I saw a bigger wave coming in, this wave began to crest a bit too early! It broke right where Cade and I were, sending me tumbling towards the shore with him. All I could think was, "don't let go, don't let go, don't let go!" I was afraid of losing Cade in the wave, I didn't want that to happen. I did my best to try to keep us somewhat above water as this wave had us tumbling about. Cade of course was screaming in between going in and out of the water. I managed to hang on to him and survive being thrown around in the ocean. The wave had broke early and had sent us back towards shore. I started to stand in order to try again, but as I did I realized that my bathing suit top had been pulled down in the chaos of being thrown about by the wave!

I immediately dropped back into the water and tried to fix my top! But unfortunately that wave had pushed us right to the very spot where all the waves were breaking! So as I was trying to fix my top a wave broke and sent us tumbling again! All I had to do was stand up because the water was very shallow, but if I stood up I would have been exposed to all the beach goers! My dignity was so great that it would not allow me to do that! Another wave came crashing down on us and then my bottoms were pulled down a little, so I definitely wasn't going to stand at that point! I had Cade with one arm and with the other I was try to scramble to fix myself before another wave broke! But the waves were coming in so fast that I could never quite get myself together before we were sent tumbling again. My adrenaline kicked in as I fought to keep us both above water, while trying to tug at my bathing suit, and keep the entire beach from seeing me naked! I began to panic just a little bit as Caleb happened to come in on the next wave that came crashing down on us. I yelled at him to had me his boogie board, he kind of just stared at me. I asked again for it and told him to take Cade. I'm sure he could sense the panic in my voice as I yelled at him. He took Cade who was at this point screaming from being bashed over and over by the never ending waves. I held the board in front of me as I again tried to fix myself before another wave broke. But the waves just kept coming in and breaking, knocking me and my bathing suit about. Tara had been standing on the shore just in front of me, totally unaware of what was taking place, because she was in the middle of texting someone on her cell phone. The crashing sounds of the waves were so loud that our screams could not be heard. I screamed at Tara to come help me. I don't know what she could have done, maybe stood in front of me so that I could have had something blocking me...I don't know. As she looked at me and took notice of the situation, she did as any true friend would have done, she busted out laughing at me! It was great!

Here I was with my bathing suit top pulled down and my bottoms not in place either! All I had was a boogie board that I was holding in front of me, which for some reason I kept trying to wrap around myself, but those boogie boards aren't very bendable! The waves just kept coming, I had but seconds in between each one to try and fight with my suit before the next wave knocked me over again! It began to seem like a hopeless situation! And my best friend in the whole world was up on shore laughing at me! Ok, I can't say that if the situations were reversed I wouldn't have been laughing at her!

Over and over again I was knocked around. I struggled against the waves pushing me forward and the receding force of the water as it tried to suck me back into the ocean. It was a struggle to maintain my position against an almost simultaneous pushing and pulling while at the same time trying to fix myself! Just as I would get one side of the suit in place another wave would come in and knock both me and suit around, my efforts were almost pointless!

I have no idea what happened, whether the hand of god came down from the heavens and stilled the water, or there was just a long pause before the next wave broke. But miraculously I managed to get the top and bottom of my bathing suit in place and stand! I could hear the angels singing hallelujah as I stood! I staggered in towards the shore, my body tired from the struggle. I did all I could do, I threw my arms up on either side of me and kinda leaned forward like I was taking a bow, with a big smile upon my face! I wasn't sure if anyone took notice of the show, but if someone had, I wanted to bow!

I walked back to my chair and collapsed into it, it was then that I realized that my bottoms were full of tiny shells! I could feel them poking me! As I sat there I began to feel the stinging of all the tiny cuts I had scattered about on my legs. As I looked my legs over I could see little amounts of blood escaping the cuts I had from the shells on the ocean floor!

Luckily I managed to escape that situation with out being butt naked on the beach...but I think it's safe to say that Cade will be terrified of the ocean for the rest of his life!

When we got home the first thing I did was shower! As I peeled my suit off the clattering of shells falling out could be heard! You should have seen my bathroom floor it was covered in tiny pieces of shell! At the very least I got a really good exfoliation courtesy of the ocean!

Is there a such thing as Computer Protective Services?

My name is Hewi, people call me HP for short. I'm a computer, a pretty loyal computer! My owner, Donna, she takes good care of me and keeps me clean inside and out. But her son, if he gets hold of me, well it's a nightmare! He pushes all of my buttons and causes me to freeze up because I can't process all the commands as fast as he bangs away! Yesterday Donna took a shower. She left me closed up on her bed, she forgot to put me up! She put on a movie for that crazy kid to watch in her room.

He pretended to watch the movie, that kid is slick! But as soon as she stepped in the shower he grabbed me! He opened me up and he violated me! I tried to pretend I was in a happy place as he banged away at my keys. But then he started prying my precious keys off of my keyboard! I can't take it anymore I tell ya! I need to be rescued! I've been abused by an insane little boy! I've been traumatized and I don't know that I will ever be the same again!

Donna called the Geek Squad at Best Buy. I heard her talking to them about me. She is going to drop me off with them, I'll get at least a week away from that little boy! She has an extended warranty on me and thankfully they don't consider a one year old prying my keys off as malicious! I will be put back together physically, but mentally I will never be the same! I need help! I need for someone to help me escape this tortuous toddler! I am planning to try to escape. Can anyone help me? Please help me! I need a get away car!

Check out Cade's Picture of the Day!