Kai starts Middle School tomorrow...and I have been so emotional about it...I became sick to my stomach when I looked at the school supply list...I held tears in all night long, until I got in the shower, lol, I felt silly to be crying about it...
Kai is my first of course. I remember I couldn't wait for him to roll over...and then I couldn't wait for him to crawl and then to walk..and I couldn't wait for him to start talking...I surely couldn't wait for him to be potty trained...and then to start sports...I could hardly wait for all of it!
Fast forward 12 years and 9 miscarriages and then Cade...
Here I am staring at a boy who is already taller than me, who is on the verge of becoming a man...I feel like I rushed him through life...I don't know that I taught him everything I was supposed to...I don't know if he has fond memories from when he was little...
And middle school, I don't know, it seems like the end of innocence...I remember going into sixth grade and reading on the bathroom walls where girls had called other girls not so nice names...like whore and hoe and any other name you could imagine...And for the life of me I had no idea what a whore or a hoe was...until I asked and was informed of their meaning...I said my first cuss word in sixth grade...Oh geez I had my first kiss in 7th grade...technically Kai should be going into the 7th grade...And nowadays kids know a lot more than they used to at younger ages...So it's the end of innocence...
And through these 12 years and 9 miscarriages I've learned a thing or two...like not rushing Cade to do anything...partly because I learned from Kai that once they are mobile and especially walking, they get into EVERYTHING...but mostly because I wanted to savor every second of Cade just being young...
I feel like I have this semi-man and then I have this little 2 year old...and I'm wishing my semi-man could age backwards back to two...I want to turn back time to savor the moments with Kai, but at the same time I don't want to because then I wouldn't have Cade...I just want them both little...I remember Kai clinging to me when he was little and I couldn't tell you the last time he sat in my lap, obviously it's been a while! But I don't think I knew the last time would be the last time...
And yeah it means I'm getting old and time is the one absolute thing you can never get back...Here I am almost 31 years old and I'm not having a midlife crisis, just analyzing everything way too intently!
A sociopath is someone who has no emotions what so ever, they fake emotions usually in order to fit in...I am the extreme opposite of a sociopath, I feel EVERYTHING, I have sympathy, empathy, compassion, guilt and even shame to the extreme...When I get like this, sometimes I wish I could not feel, kind of like a sociopath...
Maybe I'm emotional because Toy Story 3 made me cry! Andy grew up and went to college...Kai is growing up and going into Middle School...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
5 Pounds!
Well it's about time I got back to the true reason for this blog! My adventures as a single mom! And what better way to do that then the story I am about to tell!
I am sick today. I'm not sure with what, but I will tell you I have a fever and a headache and I feel horrible! So I was laying on the couch watching a movie. I had asked Kai to keep Cade occupied so that I might have a bit of peace since I felt so horrible. Kai and Cade were in Kai's room along with their cousin Noah watching tv. Or so I thought!
Kai comes walking into the kitchen and says mom is that baby powder all over the floor. I look over at him and I said I don't know, I can't see. He was standing there with this odd look on his face, expecting me to jump up and react. I was not in a hurry to drag myself away from the couch. Slowly but surely I did. As I was walking from the big couch to the kitchen I notice that my love seat and ottoman combo were dusted in a white powder. Dusted in a way that would look as if a small person such as Cade had climbed on the couch and was covered in something that was obviously left behind. So as I turn the corner and walk into the kitchen I took in a deep breath, a gasp if you will, at the site before my eyes.
There was a white powder spread all over the right side of my kitchen, in front of the island and along one side in front of the refrigerator. Not just spread, but thick clumps of it. I could not figure out what on earth Cade managed to get a hold of. Then I realized it was flour. Now what is most perplexing is how he got it out of the Tupperware container it was in. I had left the flour in the bag and just slipped the bag into a Tupperware brand canister specifically meant for flour. Tupperware is known for it's tight seal and it does take a bit of force to get that lid off. But some how Cade managed to removed the lid and dump 5 pounds of flour over a large area.
So I'm standing there, with a headache, pretty mad at the two year old who has now caused me to drag my butt off the couch, realizing I was going to have to clean that mess up! Kai said, "what did you do that for Cade?" and I tell Kai, "because he is two and wasn't being supervised!" I later realized that Kai had turned on the Xbox instead of watching a movie and so Cade grew bored and wondered into the kitchen and ultimately into the pantry on an apparent exploration.
So Kai grabbed the broom and I grabbed the dust pan and a hand held broom. Kai swept it into a large pile and used the dust pan to shovel it into the trash can. My floor now has to be mopped, but that can wait because now my headache is worse! I must add that the cat is covered in flour as well, I can only imagine that Cade some how is responsible for that...and there are white foot prints around the kitchen floor from the cat...sigh
And that is why a two year should never be left unattended! Of course I was in the next room and didn't hear a thing...he was very quiet! But when mommy is sick I guess it happens!
UPDATE: I found out today (08/09/10) that I had/have mono, no wonder I didn't feel good!
I am sick today. I'm not sure with what, but I will tell you I have a fever and a headache and I feel horrible! So I was laying on the couch watching a movie. I had asked Kai to keep Cade occupied so that I might have a bit of peace since I felt so horrible. Kai and Cade were in Kai's room along with their cousin Noah watching tv. Or so I thought!
Kai comes walking into the kitchen and says mom is that baby powder all over the floor. I look over at him and I said I don't know, I can't see. He was standing there with this odd look on his face, expecting me to jump up and react. I was not in a hurry to drag myself away from the couch. Slowly but surely I did. As I was walking from the big couch to the kitchen I notice that my love seat and ottoman combo were dusted in a white powder. Dusted in a way that would look as if a small person such as Cade had climbed on the couch and was covered in something that was obviously left behind. So as I turn the corner and walk into the kitchen I took in a deep breath, a gasp if you will, at the site before my eyes.
There was a white powder spread all over the right side of my kitchen, in front of the island and along one side in front of the refrigerator. Not just spread, but thick clumps of it. I could not figure out what on earth Cade managed to get a hold of. Then I realized it was flour. Now what is most perplexing is how he got it out of the Tupperware container it was in. I had left the flour in the bag and just slipped the bag into a Tupperware brand canister specifically meant for flour. Tupperware is known for it's tight seal and it does take a bit of force to get that lid off. But some how Cade managed to removed the lid and dump 5 pounds of flour over a large area.
So I'm standing there, with a headache, pretty mad at the two year old who has now caused me to drag my butt off the couch, realizing I was going to have to clean that mess up! Kai said, "what did you do that for Cade?" and I tell Kai, "because he is two and wasn't being supervised!" I later realized that Kai had turned on the Xbox instead of watching a movie and so Cade grew bored and wondered into the kitchen and ultimately into the pantry on an apparent exploration.
So Kai grabbed the broom and I grabbed the dust pan and a hand held broom. Kai swept it into a large pile and used the dust pan to shovel it into the trash can. My floor now has to be mopped, but that can wait because now my headache is worse! I must add that the cat is covered in flour as well, I can only imagine that Cade some how is responsible for that...and there are white foot prints around the kitchen floor from the cat...sigh
And that is why a two year should never be left unattended! Of course I was in the next room and didn't hear a thing...he was very quiet! But when mommy is sick I guess it happens!
UPDATE: I found out today (08/09/10) that I had/have mono, no wonder I didn't feel good!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
SHARK WEEK!!!
I'm sure people have figured out I have a thing for sharks. Especially Great Whites. And it's SHARK WEEK!!!! So in honor of SHARK WEEK here are some interesting facts:
SHARK WEEK first aired on July 27, 1987
A Great White Shark was once kept in an aquarium for a few days, but it became disoriented, continually hitting its nose against the glass, so it had to be released into the sea.
Great White Sharks breed late in life. They do not start breeding until they’re at least twenty years old.
More than 70 percent of known victims of Great White Shark Attacks survive because the shark realizes it has made a mistake and doesn’t finish off the prey.
Great White Shark meat is not recommended for human consumption because it has very high mercury levels.
No one has ever witnessed Great White Sharks mate.
SHARK WEEK first aired on July 27, 1987
A Great White Shark was once kept in an aquarium for a few days, but it became disoriented, continually hitting its nose against the glass, so it had to be released into the sea.
Great White Sharks breed late in life. They do not start breeding until they’re at least twenty years old.
More than 70 percent of known victims of Great White Shark Attacks survive because the shark realizes it has made a mistake and doesn’t finish off the prey.
Great White Shark meat is not recommended for human consumption because it has very high mercury levels.
No one has ever witnessed Great White Sharks mate.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A Long Way Still To Go...
Someone said something to me today...She said I've come a long way...
Cade as everyone knows was a preemie. As a preemie, he was offered certain programs. One in particular was a Child Service Coordinator. She is a social worker that basically does an evaluation on him every other month until the age of 3. If she feels that there is an area of development which requires therapy, she will coordinate services. Cade is supposed to be evaluated for speech therapy, that's the only thing that has been a concern so far. And really it's not that big of a concern, but when I hear other kids his age speaking in full sentences and Cade isn't really there, well I just want to be sure. So we have seen our CSC every other month for over 2 years now. I'm kind of sad actually now that I think about it, in October Cade will be 3, which means he will graduate from the program.
Anyway, our CSC has basically been with me from the start of my separation. And we have talked every month and seen each other every other month for a long time. Did I mention I am officially divorced as of July 14, 2010? I am! So shes been there...start to finish...she saw it unfold.
Our CSC called me at work today, just to check up on Cade...and that's when she told me that I've come a long way. And she would know I suppose, she has been someone on the outside looking in, watching for the last two and a half years. I stayed for as long as I did because I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. And look, I'm some how managing to make it.
I've come a long way...it really doesn't seem like it though...I really feel like one big mess. I've still got a long way to go! I'm basically just a small town girl...Some will win...Some will lose...Some were born to sing the blues...
Here's hoping I win!
Cade as everyone knows was a preemie. As a preemie, he was offered certain programs. One in particular was a Child Service Coordinator. She is a social worker that basically does an evaluation on him every other month until the age of 3. If she feels that there is an area of development which requires therapy, she will coordinate services. Cade is supposed to be evaluated for speech therapy, that's the only thing that has been a concern so far. And really it's not that big of a concern, but when I hear other kids his age speaking in full sentences and Cade isn't really there, well I just want to be sure. So we have seen our CSC every other month for over 2 years now. I'm kind of sad actually now that I think about it, in October Cade will be 3, which means he will graduate from the program.
Anyway, our CSC has basically been with me from the start of my separation. And we have talked every month and seen each other every other month for a long time. Did I mention I am officially divorced as of July 14, 2010? I am! So shes been there...start to finish...she saw it unfold.
Our CSC called me at work today, just to check up on Cade...and that's when she told me that I've come a long way. And she would know I suppose, she has been someone on the outside looking in, watching for the last two and a half years. I stayed for as long as I did because I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. And look, I'm some how managing to make it.
I've come a long way...it really doesn't seem like it though...I really feel like one big mess. I've still got a long way to go! I'm basically just a small town girl...Some will win...Some will lose...Some were born to sing the blues...
Here's hoping I win!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Fairy Tails not Fairy Tales
My all time favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast. I am not sure why, maybe it's because Belle loves to read and so do I. Well I can't think of any other reasons, but either way it's always been my favorite. I used to watch it every Thanksgiving, well the Thanksgivings that we spent at my grandparents in Destin. Beauty and the Beast is like every other fairy tail, there's a damsel in distress, and a prince comes to the rescue, and then they live happily ever after...
So I guess I had this really naive notion that I would grow up happily ever after...Well that notion came to a screeching halt when I was about 20.
Little Red Riding Hood was originally created to scare children. It of course has changed through the years to be not so scary to children. I believe Hansel a Gretel was intended to scare kids as well.
I can't help but think that maybe we shouldn't tell these stories of living happily ever after to our children. I mean children are so pure and innocent and they deserve to be pure and innocent for as long as they can. But on the flip side of that, maybe it would be better to scare them with tales of reality, because then real life in the adult world probably wouldn't be such a shock. Or at least they wouldn't grow up with such naive ideas of the world.
So I guess I had this really naive notion that I would grow up happily ever after...Well that notion came to a screeching halt when I was about 20.
Little Red Riding Hood was originally created to scare children. It of course has changed through the years to be not so scary to children. I believe Hansel a Gretel was intended to scare kids as well.
I can't help but think that maybe we shouldn't tell these stories of living happily ever after to our children. I mean children are so pure and innocent and they deserve to be pure and innocent for as long as they can. But on the flip side of that, maybe it would be better to scare them with tales of reality, because then real life in the adult world probably wouldn't be such a shock. Or at least they wouldn't grow up with such naive ideas of the world.
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