I picked Cade up this morning...he was standing in the kitchen and reached his arms up and said hug...he does that all the time, he is the most loving and cuddly kid I have ever met...So I picked him up and he said, "I got you"...and I said, "I got you"...
Last night he kissed me on my forehead and both my cheeks...Kissing someone on their forehead in my opinion is the best kiss to get. A kiss on the forehead is a sign of love and care...Where do mothers kiss their babies? Their forehead! Where have I mostly kissed Cade? His forehead! So to have a forehead kiss from Cade, well it made me feel good!
And that sums up what my life is all about...my two kids...because no one else really matters!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
The Inner Struggle Between Being Coffee and an Egg
Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?
ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?
~ Author Unknown ~
I'm trying really hard to be the damn coffee! But I think there may be a lot more of the egg in me than I would like! As I have gone through life, I have learned a lot about myself...mainly that I am too nice and do too much for people! And I have learned a lot about other people...mainly that they have never put as much thought or effort into me and are usually no where near as nice. So do I continue to be myself, do I continue to put my whole heart and self into everything I do for people? Or do I basically just do the bare minimum?
I feel like so much of myself and my personality has changed. So I have this inner struggle of being myself or hardening like that egg shell...I think being myself, being nice and thinking about others as I always have is the way to be...but I don't know if it's the realistic way to be! I find that people will take advantage and there are a few who have definitely taken advantage...So maybe the egg isn't so bad in the long run...because if I'm an egg, then at least I won't get my feelings hurt!
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?
ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?
~ Author Unknown ~
I'm trying really hard to be the damn coffee! But I think there may be a lot more of the egg in me than I would like! As I have gone through life, I have learned a lot about myself...mainly that I am too nice and do too much for people! And I have learned a lot about other people...mainly that they have never put as much thought or effort into me and are usually no where near as nice. So do I continue to be myself, do I continue to put my whole heart and self into everything I do for people? Or do I basically just do the bare minimum?
I feel like so much of myself and my personality has changed. So I have this inner struggle of being myself or hardening like that egg shell...I think being myself, being nice and thinking about others as I always have is the way to be...but I don't know if it's the realistic way to be! I find that people will take advantage and there are a few who have definitely taken advantage...So maybe the egg isn't so bad in the long run...because if I'm an egg, then at least I won't get my feelings hurt!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sleeping Just Right
I don't know what it is about watching my children sleep that is so comforting and interesting that it manages always to capture my attention. But it does! Even watching Kai sleep at the age of 12 never gets old.
I've noticed something about the difference in the way my two boys sleep. Kai from as early on as I can remember, after he started sleeping with blankets of course, has always covered himself at night. He will have the blankets totally covering himself head to toe, with the end of the blanket over and under his head. I can't tell you how many times I uncovered him because I was afraid he was too hot or because I was worried he would suffocate himself. And to this day he sleeps exactly the same way. Sometimes it's hard to tell there is someone sleeping in his bed, even as big as he is, because it almost looks like a heap of blankets.
Cade on the other hand usually likes sleeping on top of the covers. He might start out under them, but he always ends up on top. And all of my efforts to recover him are pointless because he never stays that way. I'm always afraid he will get cold and I just want him to be warm and snuggled, so I always recover him. I'm not sure how he doesn't get cold in the middle of the night, I know I do if I ever end up uncovered.
Funny how one seems to roast and the other to freeze! Well at least that's how it would be for me. I can't sleep with my head covered because not only do I get too hot, but I also feel like I can't breathe. And I can't sleep without a blanket or sheet of some kind because I'll end up waking up because I was cold. And yet my two boys seem to be on the polar opposite of each other. Although obviously just right as far as they are concerned since they sleep quite peacefully in their different ways.
I've noticed something about the difference in the way my two boys sleep. Kai from as early on as I can remember, after he started sleeping with blankets of course, has always covered himself at night. He will have the blankets totally covering himself head to toe, with the end of the blanket over and under his head. I can't tell you how many times I uncovered him because I was afraid he was too hot or because I was worried he would suffocate himself. And to this day he sleeps exactly the same way. Sometimes it's hard to tell there is someone sleeping in his bed, even as big as he is, because it almost looks like a heap of blankets.
Cade on the other hand usually likes sleeping on top of the covers. He might start out under them, but he always ends up on top. And all of my efforts to recover him are pointless because he never stays that way. I'm always afraid he will get cold and I just want him to be warm and snuggled, so I always recover him. I'm not sure how he doesn't get cold in the middle of the night, I know I do if I ever end up uncovered.
Funny how one seems to roast and the other to freeze! Well at least that's how it would be for me. I can't sleep with my head covered because not only do I get too hot, but I also feel like I can't breathe. And I can't sleep without a blanket or sheet of some kind because I'll end up waking up because I was cold. And yet my two boys seem to be on the polar opposite of each other. Although obviously just right as far as they are concerned since they sleep quite peacefully in their different ways.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
And I thought I was tough...
I have to write about this! Toy Story 3...I went to the theater with Cade, Kai felt that he was too old to go see the move, expecting a funny Disney movie. Now Disney movies are known to be sad because it seems like the movies always start with some kind of death of a parent. But not Toy Story, it's funny! And the movie was funny! But man, they made the ending of that movie like I can't even explain. Well lets put it this way, no movie has EVER made me cry like I was crying. I'm not talking about a tear or two escaping the corner of my eye...I was ugly crying, minus the sounds...I was so embarrassed that I was crying like that, that it took everything I had to keep in the sounds I probably would have been making if I were alone in my house!
At first I thought that maybe it was a girl thing. But I was with three other girls and not one of them was crying and one was pregnant! Then I thought it was a mom thing. I mean the movie is about Andy going off to college. Change, things coming to an end, saying goodbye. That's enough to make any mom cry. But after the movie was over and I left, I called a friend of mine to tell her how the movie was because she wanted to know. Turns out that her 15 year old daughter Ashley and Ashley's friend saw the movie and cried as well. So it can't just be a mom thing. But I think those two 15 year old girls and myself have something in common....
First of all Kai is 12. When the first one came out Kai wasn't even born yet and I hadn't ever seen the movie. But when you have kids you are suddenly into movies like Toy Story. And Kai loved that movie when he was little! We watched it many times! And we watched the second one as well. So for Kai to be too old for Toy Story 3 and for the movie itself to be about Andy going off to college, well it hits close to home for me! On top of that, over the last year or so, I've gotten rid of almost all of Kai's toys because he doesn't play with toys anymore. So that hit even closer to home for me. While Kai isn't running off to college next week, well lets just say I'll blink about one more time and he will be.
Those 15 year old girls were probably emotional about it because it's not too long before they too will be leaving...and it wasn't so long ago that they too packed up their own toys and sent them away. So I think it hit home for them as well.
God knows I've been through more than my fair share of change this last year, well two years really. So you'd think I would have been able to handle myself without crying, especially considering how cynical I think I've become...but no! I was sobbing! There were a couple of times where I was crying so hard and I was thinking of how funny it was that I was crying that hard at Toy Story of all movies! I literally had to hold back not only my sobbing sounds, but my need to bust out laughing at myself over the whole situation. Because if I had just let loose and busted out laughing while crying that hard, I probably would have not only looked crazy, but it wouldn't have sounded like laughter, it probably would have sounded like a monster escaped Buzz's home planet.
I have never in my life cried and wanted to laugh like that all at once! I guess it's good that I can at least laugh at myself! I was totally not expecting that! But it made me feel better when Kristina, one of the girls I work with, told me that her mom cried her eyes out during the movie too! So it must be a mom thing, especially moms who have gone through or going through the process of saying goodbye!
There was a scene in the movie where the little green army men are leaving and Woody is asking them where they are going. They said they were leaving because the little green army men are always the first thing thrown away...Oh my gosh that is so true! I can't even tell you how many of those things I threw away when I was sorting through and getting rid of Kai's toys. But I will tell you this much, many of Kai's toys have found a new home With Cade! Including a gigantic collection of Rescue Heroes!
Oh what a movie!
At first I thought that maybe it was a girl thing. But I was with three other girls and not one of them was crying and one was pregnant! Then I thought it was a mom thing. I mean the movie is about Andy going off to college. Change, things coming to an end, saying goodbye. That's enough to make any mom cry. But after the movie was over and I left, I called a friend of mine to tell her how the movie was because she wanted to know. Turns out that her 15 year old daughter Ashley and Ashley's friend saw the movie and cried as well. So it can't just be a mom thing. But I think those two 15 year old girls and myself have something in common....
First of all Kai is 12. When the first one came out Kai wasn't even born yet and I hadn't ever seen the movie. But when you have kids you are suddenly into movies like Toy Story. And Kai loved that movie when he was little! We watched it many times! And we watched the second one as well. So for Kai to be too old for Toy Story 3 and for the movie itself to be about Andy going off to college, well it hits close to home for me! On top of that, over the last year or so, I've gotten rid of almost all of Kai's toys because he doesn't play with toys anymore. So that hit even closer to home for me. While Kai isn't running off to college next week, well lets just say I'll blink about one more time and he will be.
Those 15 year old girls were probably emotional about it because it's not too long before they too will be leaving...and it wasn't so long ago that they too packed up their own toys and sent them away. So I think it hit home for them as well.
God knows I've been through more than my fair share of change this last year, well two years really. So you'd think I would have been able to handle myself without crying, especially considering how cynical I think I've become...but no! I was sobbing! There were a couple of times where I was crying so hard and I was thinking of how funny it was that I was crying that hard at Toy Story of all movies! I literally had to hold back not only my sobbing sounds, but my need to bust out laughing at myself over the whole situation. Because if I had just let loose and busted out laughing while crying that hard, I probably would have not only looked crazy, but it wouldn't have sounded like laughter, it probably would have sounded like a monster escaped Buzz's home planet.
I have never in my life cried and wanted to laugh like that all at once! I guess it's good that I can at least laugh at myself! I was totally not expecting that! But it made me feel better when Kristina, one of the girls I work with, told me that her mom cried her eyes out during the movie too! So it must be a mom thing, especially moms who have gone through or going through the process of saying goodbye!
There was a scene in the movie where the little green army men are leaving and Woody is asking them where they are going. They said they were leaving because the little green army men are always the first thing thrown away...Oh my gosh that is so true! I can't even tell you how many of those things I threw away when I was sorting through and getting rid of Kai's toys. But I will tell you this much, many of Kai's toys have found a new home With Cade! Including a gigantic collection of Rescue Heroes!
Oh what a movie!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The future....
I am so lost...I am the Lost Great White Single Mom...What am I going to do with my life? I'm thirty and single (by choice) and so confused...a co-worker pointed out that I seemed overwhelmed with the fact that I have no one to tell me what to do. In the past my future always involved another person and having that person tell me what to do. There has always been someone telling me what to do my entire life! Even now that I am single there is still a person here or there that tries to tell me what to do. I'm done being told what to do. I've got to figure out what makes me happy...So what makes me happy? I've essentially been separated/single for over two years now, able to make any decision I want to make. And I have no clue, even after two years, what makes me happy!
Of course my kids make me happy, they are both a couple of the funniest boys I know. There is never a dull moment with them! But I think I've always had a vision of where my life was headed. When I was married, it was me and Robby, and we were going to be here in Jacksonville our whole lives and we'd raise Kai and Cade and be here. Well now we aren't together and really I have the entire world at my fingertips, technically I could go anywhere in the world I wanted to go...but no vision of where my life is headed and I always have had a vision...
I don't know, I think maybe my life has gone through an enormous amount of change in a very short period of time. In the last two years I've had a baby, separated, let my son live with his dad (which was very hard), had him move back in with me, cut unhealthy family out of my life, not to mention a new job. A lot has happened, a lot of major things have went on. Most people don't deal with that much change in such a short amount of time...although two years seems like a lot of time...
And that's part of why I won't date...I've dated, it was bad. I think in part because I still don't know what makes me happy. I should be happy and comfortable with myself so that when I am confronted with an ass I can happily walk away with no convictions! And I've definitely gotten comfortable by myself! I just need to fill my time with more things that make me happy and I still haven't figured a lot of what that is.
but I have at least learned that...
I get ancy at movie theaters and find it hard to sit through a movie when I'm on a date with someone I don't know...although I will take my kids to see a movie and find that I most relaxed when I'm watching a movie with them at the theater.
SpongeBob SquarePants is funny!
I don't like to talk about other people and don't like when people talk about another person around me (those that knew me before probably wouldn't believe that)
Camping without an air mattress is just stupid!
Cable is a waste of money...All you need is an internet connection and a computer you can hook up to your tv.
Mowing the lawn IS fun!
And...
Kai loves me and he might gripe about chores and rules...but he likes having a routine, chores, and rules...he likes knowing that everyday I'm coming home at the same time and everyday I'm cooking dinner and every morning I'm waking him up...He likes that I am consistent!
Of course my kids make me happy, they are both a couple of the funniest boys I know. There is never a dull moment with them! But I think I've always had a vision of where my life was headed. When I was married, it was me and Robby, and we were going to be here in Jacksonville our whole lives and we'd raise Kai and Cade and be here. Well now we aren't together and really I have the entire world at my fingertips, technically I could go anywhere in the world I wanted to go...but no vision of where my life is headed and I always have had a vision...
I don't know, I think maybe my life has gone through an enormous amount of change in a very short period of time. In the last two years I've had a baby, separated, let my son live with his dad (which was very hard), had him move back in with me, cut unhealthy family out of my life, not to mention a new job. A lot has happened, a lot of major things have went on. Most people don't deal with that much change in such a short amount of time...although two years seems like a lot of time...
And that's part of why I won't date...I've dated, it was bad. I think in part because I still don't know what makes me happy. I should be happy and comfortable with myself so that when I am confronted with an ass I can happily walk away with no convictions! And I've definitely gotten comfortable by myself! I just need to fill my time with more things that make me happy and I still haven't figured a lot of what that is.
but I have at least learned that...
I get ancy at movie theaters and find it hard to sit through a movie when I'm on a date with someone I don't know...although I will take my kids to see a movie and find that I most relaxed when I'm watching a movie with them at the theater.
SpongeBob SquarePants is funny!
I don't like to talk about other people and don't like when people talk about another person around me (those that knew me before probably wouldn't believe that)
Camping without an air mattress is just stupid!
Cable is a waste of money...All you need is an internet connection and a computer you can hook up to your tv.
Mowing the lawn IS fun!
And...
Kai loves me and he might gripe about chores and rules...but he likes having a routine, chores, and rules...he likes knowing that everyday I'm coming home at the same time and everyday I'm cooking dinner and every morning I'm waking him up...He likes that I am consistent!
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