The future....

I am so lost...I am the Lost Great White Single Mom...What am I going to do with my life? I'm thirty and single (by choice) and so confused...a co-worker pointed out that I seemed overwhelmed with the fact that I have no one to tell me what to do. In the past my future always involved another person and having that person tell me what to do. There has always been someone telling me what to do my entire life! Even now that I am single there is still a person here or there that tries to tell me what to do. I'm done being told what to do. I've got to figure out what makes me happy...So what makes me happy? I've essentially been separated/single for over two years now, able to make any decision I want to make. And I have no clue, even after two years, what makes me happy!

Of course my kids make me happy, they are both a couple of the funniest boys I know. There is never a dull moment with them! But I think I've always had a vision of where my life was headed. When I was married, it was me and Robby, and we were going to be here in Jacksonville our whole lives and we'd raise Kai and Cade and be here. Well now we aren't together and really I have the entire world at my fingertips, technically I could go anywhere in the world I wanted to go...but no vision of where my life is headed and I always have had a vision...

I don't know, I think maybe my life has gone through an enormous amount of change in a very short period of time. In the last two years I've had a baby, separated, let my son live with his dad (which was very hard), had him move back in with me, cut unhealthy family out of my life, not to mention a new job. A lot has happened, a lot of major things have went on. Most people don't deal with that much change in such a short amount of time...although two years seems like a lot of time...

And that's part of why I won't date...I've dated, it was bad. I think in part because I still don't know what makes me happy. I should be happy and comfortable with myself so that when I am confronted with an ass I can happily walk away with no convictions! And I've definitely gotten comfortable by myself! I just need to fill my time with more things that make me happy and I still haven't figured a lot of what that is.

but I have at least learned that...

I get ancy at movie theaters and find it hard to sit through a movie when I'm on a date with someone I don't know...although I will take my kids to see a movie and find that I most relaxed when I'm watching a movie with them at the theater.

SpongeBob SquarePants is funny!

I don't like to talk about other people and don't like when people talk about another person around me (those that knew me before probably wouldn't believe that)

Camping without an air mattress is just stupid!

Cable is a waste of money...All you need is an internet connection and a computer you can hook up to your tv.

Mowing the lawn IS fun!

And...

Kai loves me and he might gripe about chores and rules...but he likes having a routine, chores, and rules...he likes knowing that everyday I'm coming home at the same time and everyday I'm cooking dinner and every morning I'm waking him up...He likes that I am consistent!