My mema passed away April 18th...she was 82 and lived a really good and long life! It's weird that she's gone...I'm 33, she's always been apart of my life! Now she's not here...My papa loved her! They were truly in love! I found so many little notes that he would write for her through the years before he left for work, she kept them...I'd be lucky to ever find someone similar...but he set the bar, I just hope the bar isn't too high for men of today!
I have made a massive amount of changes these last few months! I've really come into my own, I've realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me, I don't have to please the world! I took that Dale Carnegie class, I started therapy, therapy just for me, to work on me! To work on coping with stress and worry, realizing what I should and shouldn't worry about, building an awesome self esteem, just working on making myself better...will it matter in 5 years? That's the one thing she has told me to ask myself when worrying about something! Most things won't! But there are a few things that will...time with my boys, in five years that will matter, spending quality time with them or not spending time with them could have different outcomes for us as a family in five years! Pushing people away, well if you push them away, who's to say what effect they could have had on your life...which brings up a question...are things meant to be? Does everything happen because its supposed to? Or do we have absolute control over how things will play out based off of our actions or lack there of?
Simple things...hayrides, weenie roasts, games with fiends and family, walks, fishing, picking strawberries in the spring, reading out loud to my boys, picnics, beach days, camping...that stuff will matter in 5 years...the text messages that I receive, that are void of any human facial expressions or body language, that I may or may not have taken in the way the person meant because it is up for interpretation...uhhhhh pointless!
With death, especially someone you were close with, you see things differently. You see how the stupid stress at work is pointless! Will it matter when I'm 82? No, it won't, I probably won't even remember the details! But the people that chose to stand beside me because I didn't push them away, because I spent time and built great memories, they'll remember that! That's what will matter when I'm 82!
I saw my therapist last week and I was talking about my mema...I got the distinct feeling that someone had moved right next to me, instinctively I turned my head to look...nothing was there...I suddenly was overcome with a very warm feeling, it only lasted a few seconds...I didn't mention it to my therapist...but I feel like I was given a hug, maybe by her, maybe it was God...idk...I just know that as hard as life is, we have to always have faith and never lose hope! We have to learn to trust and not live in fear no matter what our past holds...I tattooed hope and faith on my feet for a reason, so I wouldn't forget, so that any time my face was looking down at the ground, I'd remember hope and faith and hold my head high!
I have hope, I've never lost hope! I also have a tremendous amount of faith! I just need to remind myself of that more often and not get so caught up in daily life...the world is going to keep spinning with or without me! So my happiness and the happiness of those I love, that is what is important! Trusting is important! Not letting life fly by while I stress and worry, that's key! So it's time to slow down and savor every minute, every chance I get to be alive....I'm not going to let fear, fear of past incidents repeating change my future!