Kai starts Middle School tomorrow...and I have been so emotional about it...I became sick to my stomach when I looked at the school supply list...I held tears in all night long, until I got in the shower, lol, I felt silly to be crying about it...
Kai is my first of course. I remember I couldn't wait for him to roll over...and then I couldn't wait for him to crawl and then to walk..and I couldn't wait for him to start talking...I surely couldn't wait for him to be potty trained...and then to start sports...I could hardly wait for all of it!
Fast forward 12 years and 9 miscarriages and then Cade...
Here I am staring at a boy who is already taller than me, who is on the verge of becoming a man...I feel like I rushed him through life...I don't know that I taught him everything I was supposed to...I don't know if he has fond memories from when he was little...
And middle school, I don't know, it seems like the end of innocence...I remember going into sixth grade and reading on the bathroom walls where girls had called other girls not so nice names...like whore and hoe and any other name you could imagine...And for the life of me I had no idea what a whore or a hoe was...until I asked and was informed of their meaning...I said my first cuss word in sixth grade...Oh geez I had my first kiss in 7th grade...technically Kai should be going into the 7th grade...And nowadays kids know a lot more than they used to at younger ages...So it's the end of innocence...
And through these 12 years and 9 miscarriages I've learned a thing or two...like not rushing Cade to do anything...partly because I learned from Kai that once they are mobile and especially walking, they get into EVERYTHING...but mostly because I wanted to savor every second of Cade just being young...
I feel like I have this semi-man and then I have this little 2 year old...and I'm wishing my semi-man could age backwards back to two...I want to turn back time to savor the moments with Kai, but at the same time I don't want to because then I wouldn't have Cade...I just want them both little...I remember Kai clinging to me when he was little and I couldn't tell you the last time he sat in my lap, obviously it's been a while! But I don't think I knew the last time would be the last time...
And yeah it means I'm getting old and time is the one absolute thing you can never get back...Here I am almost 31 years old and I'm not having a midlife crisis, just analyzing everything way too intently!
A sociopath is someone who has no emotions what so ever, they fake emotions usually in order to fit in...I am the extreme opposite of a sociopath, I feel EVERYTHING, I have sympathy, empathy, compassion, guilt and even shame to the extreme...When I get like this, sometimes I wish I could not feel, kind of like a sociopath...
Maybe I'm emotional because Toy Story 3 made me cry! Andy grew up and went to college...Kai is growing up and going into Middle School...
No comments:
Post a Comment